Four (just four, no scores) years ago, when I graduated from college, I spent a good three months applying for lab tech jobs, watching Stargate (SG-1 and Atlantis), and Firefly on my sister's computer, and otherwise emphatically vegging in her house. I think I may have been what is known as "burned out" - I still remember the feeling of being utterly emptied of any creativity I had at the time.

That feeling is a lot like where I was two weeks ago - utterly exhausted by life and not interested in anything save escaping the constant work, the constant pressure. I was late to get home for Shabbat that week and as I was pulling out of the university the driver in front of me was chatting on with her car full of girlfriends. I honked at her so she would turn onto the only road that leads out of this badly-constructed place, and she decided that flipping me off the rest of the time we shared the road was the way to go. I got home to light candles - late - and as I did so I saw how messy our dining room was. I was hit with such a wave of despair and anger and irrational desire to hit things that I could only manage one thing: I went to bed.

Doyle woke me up a few hours later and we went out for dinner to a mall that has two things that cheer me up immensely - a Borders and a Cheesecake Factory. We didn't really get to explore the Borders before closing, so we went back the next day so I could indulge in some escapism. And that's when, after wandering around and not having anything catch my eye for 15 minutes, I picked up [livejournal.com profile] blackholly's Ironside, and started reading. I bought the book and finished it at home, a few hours later, curled up in the new reading nook I'd made for myself several months ago but hadn't actually used before. And then I went to the stack of books I've bought and not read, and I picked up [livejournal.com profile] libba_bray's The Sweet Far Thing. It'd been waiting for some attention for almost a year now, and I felt like I was going back in time - like I was back at my sister's house in August/September 2004, flying through Tithe and A Great and Terrible Beauty and thinking "I could do this. I have a story to tell."

It's weird how a one-two punch can happen twice. It took me longer to finish TSFT than AGaTB, and I still have many thoughts on it - and it actually makes me want to write fanfic, which is not an event that happens very often. I'll save that for another post (gotta have a reason). But last night I opened the file I keep Glamour in and started scanning it. I read through the notes [livejournal.com profile] lodessa and [livejournal.com profile] hamsterwoman left on my journal last summer. And I started thinking about how I could fix it.

I'm still too far from "there yet." I worked another 12 hour day on Tuesday, I've not really had much success in waking up and going into work earlier so I can leave earlier (though I've now moved it back about 30 minutes). I have yet to write a single word. But today I picked up another book from my overwhelmingly large "to read" pile and put it in my backpack. Gotta start somewhere.
I wrote this on Friday afternoon, and having sat on it for a weekend, figure it's still worth posting. I don't like feeling like I'm angsting publicly but this journal is supposed to be my outlet for creativity, and creativity has been sorely lacking.

[livejournal.com profile] deliasherman once told me that you can't write while things are going wrong. She's right, of course. (I'll not say "She's always right," but near enough. Let's go with "She's often right.") So perhaps it's no wonder that I draw blanks whenever I so much as look toward one of my writing notebooks - this entry, after all, is being composed on paper dedicated for class notes, during class, no less.

But none of that gives me any comfort when it comes to how well Honour isn't going. Sure, the past month or two I've had plenty of excuses. But what about before? Has the steam gone out of my writing? Am I bored with my own story?

If that's the case, there's also the question of the short stories that have been sitting by, waiting their turn. I've only gotten a few lines on one of them, and I wonder where it's going and what my audience for that one could possibly be.

It feels like someone rolled a big-ass boulder into the middle of my creative stream and every so often I just collect what leaks through.

Well, okay. That's fine for now, I guess. I'm busy with school, and my family is taking far more of my attention now than previously (one way to know you're no longer "the baby" - everyone is looking to you to tell them what to do). But these things are temporary. I won't be in classes forever, and as my family heals and deals we'll lean on each other less.

And then what? Will my interest magically reappear? Do I just wait by the window for my muse to drop by? Until it condescends to see me?

I am so grounded in real life and the mundane right now I cannot fathom fantasy of any sort. (And so I went to Boskone. Heh.) And it makes me want to cry.
adelynne: (firebird)
( Sep. 22nd, 2006 04:00 pm)
What the title says. I've been buried under a pile of grad-school-y stuff. It's been an amazingly positive experience thus far, but certainly an exhausting one. Voluntarily I've been putting in hours that have had people in the lab I'm rotating telling me that I'm working too hard and I really shouldn't stress so much. The funny thing is that I'm not stressed at all on this score - it's the most biologically-related fun I've had since I left undergrad. Absolutely wonderful!

So wonderful, in fact, that it's been stimulating my writing. Out of the blue I started rewriting one of the most troublesome parts of Glamour - the prologue - and just today came up with a really nifty idea for short stories. Cut to spare those who aren't interested. And also, rambly. )

In other news, I'm enjoying the latest season of Stargate: Atlantis like little else. Character moments! And backstory! And group bonding! Yay! Though I haven't seen last weeks', and won't see this weeks' for a bit. SG-1 is looking good too, though I'm sad about the cancellation.

I'm feeling less-than-thrilled over the upcoming VM and BSG premieres, though. Both shows have kind of left me underwhelmed in the aftermath of their second seasons, and the only way I was able to enjoy the Veronica Mars finale was by tossing the plot out the window and forgetting anything that even stank of continuity and cohesion. Though to be fair, I wasn't thrilled with the the first season's finale, either. Battlestar Galactica sort of went downhill for me after the Pegasus episodes, and for pretty much the same reasons. I'm not at all impressed with the commercials SciFi's been running, either.

My semagic informs me that today is [livejournal.com profile] matociquala's birthday. Happy Birthday Bear!

Today is also the start of Rosh Hashannah, so if you thought that I'd be on more now that I've appeared briefly, you were most likely mistaken. Nevertheless, Shannah Tovah to all that celebrate, and may you be inscribed in the Book of Life!
So. There has been a recent "meme" of sorts about the all the cool people's blogs about "how to write a novel." (In case you don't read, it can be found here, here, here, here, and here, at the very least and in the order I saw them.) And really, that's great.

I've already (technically) written a novel, though. And while I don't think I'm cool enough to share the process, I will say that my brain did conjure something very similar to the spreadsheet idea as a cookie for me (it was a notepad file, started off by keeping wordcount, and then evolved to keeping the names of the chapters - Glamour's not the sort of book where I need to keep track of the POV). In any case, I have a fairly "set" method for writing novels that is differently-evolved from my method of writing short stories or essays, and I'm pretty happy with it. It works for me.

What I don't have is a way to actually get myself to look at the book again. I can think about it, make a list of all the things that are broken and need to be fixed - even, on occasion, how I can fix them, but I can't bring myself to open that bloody file labelled "Glamour Draft 2.doc" and get to work. I dread it. I'm absolutely sure it'll be horrible, and I'll hate it and won't stand to even edit it and will destroy my own creation in a blaze of madness.

Rationally, I know it's not that bad. I know where it's broken, but I also know where the strong points are. It is fixable, but I actually need to be willing to fix it. I'm willing to bet that it'd be nice work if I could get it. And if you can get it, please won't you tell me how?
adelynne: (ravens in flight)
( Sep. 4th, 2006 02:28 pm)
I slept almost until noon today. Wow.

So the first week has absolutely overwhelmed me with information and science-y goodness. Which is grand, because it's been such a positive experience.

However, as a result, I've gotten absolutely nothing done on anything remotely related to writing books, short stories, or anything of the sort. The closest I've come, I think, is finding this really nifty image that quite resembles my heroine prior to all the things that happen to her in the books. I know the tagging says it's an angel, but I see no wings, but a really pissed of girl, so I'm going with that. The bonus of that has convinced me her hair need not be all that long, so I'm thinking the length in the picture is right for what I want to do (and has the bonus of having Adelle really resemble her). Dunno what she's doing hanging out on that rock in that really nice dress, though. Feel free to suggest your own interpertations.

In other news, Doyle has started an insane Mythbusters marathon with the aid of the DVR, and bought a Nintendo DS, with Tetris. I have, as a result, been staring at bright screens for inordinate amounts of time, and that really ought to end. I think I'll go buy tea, instead.
Okay, I've been writing most of my life. "First-time" here is used to denote first original novel.

When I was writing what became the first draft of Glamour I sneered at world-building and went about it in a most haphazard fashion. "It's urban fantasy," I said, "I won't even see Faerie until the next one, anyway. I'll worry about it then."

Well, now I worry about it. I worry as to why an Unseelie knight in the year 2005 wouldn't carry a gun. (Answer: he would. The other one actually works so well with a sword it'd kill his technique.) After all, my fae thrive on human creativity and there is a great deal of human ingenuity involved in making killing things. Honorable challege, though, is still usually done with a pistol or sword rather than a semi-automatic. :)

I find my world-building doesn't center too much on the world itself. Whether it's Boston or Faerie, the world is there. I'll paint that picture readily enough. What I wind up focusing on is the society, it's politics, the tools (whether magic or weaponry) and how they work, and what roles the characters would play in that society. I'm focusing on the meanings of porphyry, royal blue, and grey and what they mean to my characters. What sorts of familiars the characters have or are allowed to have and precisely how many is what I began thinking about today, and as a result I came up with something regarding those things that will bridge the plot of Nightfall. Hell, I can now - thanks to that revelation - say that it has a plot instead of bearing a large similarity to "Bill & Ted's Excellent Faerie Adventure," which was largely its state since any inception worth noting.

I worry that my heroine's luscious locks of hair will seriously impact her ability to kill people effectively. Discussion of why that is. )

I'm really giving it a lot of thought, now. And it, in turn, is affecting how I see the characters. Which is good, I think. And I think this is the proper time to look at the world, too. Because if I'd given it this much regard earlier, I'd have been distracted and never written the bloody thing. Of course, now that I have to rewrite it to make it consistent and palatable for the next two, I really wish I'd done it already.

I feel a bit like a child whinging at her parents from the backseat. "Are we there yet?"
.

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