I'm not a huge fan of first person, but that's just a preferance thing. The story is good though, solid, well plotted out and consistant. The only thing I would say is that maybe it's too neat. There's really nothing wrong with it, but it might make things more intreguing to make it slightly less perfectly chronological. Does that makes any sense? Also I feel that the characets' name should be thrown in earlier if you are going to put it in at all... maybe the father can use it?
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From:
In My Attempt at ConCrit
I'm not a huge fan of first person, but that's just a preferance thing. The story is good though, solid, well plotted out and consistant. The only thing I would say is that maybe it's too neat. There's really nothing wrong with it, but it might make things more intreguing to make it slightly less perfectly chronological. Does that makes any sense? Also I feel that the characets' name should be thrown in earlier if you are going to put it in at all... maybe the father can use it?